


Not Even Death

by RebbekkahMorningstar



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Cheating, Guilt, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2019-01-08 18:34:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12259836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebbekkahMorningstar/pseuds/RebbekkahMorningstar
Summary: Jensen breaks up with Jared.





	Not Even Death

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this on no sleep and too much coffee. not beta'd all mistakes are mine. don't hate me!

"Jared, we can't do this anymore," Jensen whispered against his co-star's lips, "This time I mean it. It's not fair to our wives, and now kids are mixed in it." 

“So, this is it,” Jared's voice broke, tears streaming down his face.

He had experienced heartbreak before but this was something completely different. His heart wasn't just broken, it was ripped out and torn apart. He looked down at the floor knowing he couldn't look Jensen in the eye.

“Yes Jay, I know your hurt right now, but in a few years you'll thank me.”

“You never really loved me,” Jared slid down the wall that had been supporting him since Jensen pulled him off the set to talk to him.

"Of course I love you! I still fucking love you, but you're the one who started the mess with bringing kids into the mix, just couldn't tell her no!" 

“It wasn't on purpose! If YOU weren't so much of a coward, we could have been out, we could be married to each other! But no the great Jensen Ackles has a career to think about, and getting married was the answer! We could have our wives at home, clueless to what goes on here in Canada! Clueless that you wrap your arms around me, kiss my neck, before slipping your hand into my jeans and jerking me off two minutes before we have to be out the door!” He lets his head fall into his hands.

“Sorry, I didn't want to flip burgers for the rest of my life!” Jensen Yelled back taking a deep breath and walking away.

Jared cried for hours, days, nothing had ever hurt this much in his life. Thankfully filming was over and he didn't have to look at the face of his former lover, his everything, every day. Every day was torture for him, having to act as if seeing Jensen didn't make him want to scream and throw things. As if they had never been like Jared didn't have intimate knowledge of what it felt like to be under Jensen, legs wrapped around his waist as his lover drove inside him. Whispering confessions of love that Jared now understood were nothing more than lies. Sweet kisses that now brought bile up to the back of his throat. 

Being at home didn't make him feel any better. Sure he loved his son, but he knew he wasn't good enough for him. If he wasn't enough for Jensen, he wasn't enough for anyone and that's how he felt. He laid in bed most days, headphones on listening to the most depressing music he could find. Crying when he knew Gen was out. Fighting the urge to call Jensen, beg him to come back to him.

Jared made a plan, he couldn't live without the love of his life. He knew his life was over six months ago, the final words were spoken. The last kiss shared. He took the first flight out of Texas, it would end where it began. He flew to back to Canada, telling his wife that he needed to get back into Sam's head-space before filming began in a few weeks. He kissed her goodbye. Holding his son in his arms for the last time. He clung just a little longer to his child, wishing he was a stronger person. 

Arriving back at his home in Vancouver, he walked inside turning the air conditioner on and walked into the bedroom that he and Jensen had shared for five years. He set his bag on the bed, walking to the bathroom. He grabbed his sleeping pills from the counter, filling a glass with water, and walked back to his bed. A bed that had so many memories of young lovers whispers, tender kisses, and wild up all night sex. 

Jared grabbed his laptop from his bag and opened up his email. He clicked on the last email that Jensen had sent him, something so domestic, so simple. 

_Babe,_

_Hey just wanted to let you know that our flight back has been booked, can't wait to see you. I have missed you so much. Your ticket will be sent to your email. See you in a few days._

_Yours forever,_

_Jensen._

This was Thanksgiving, two weeks before Jensen would rip them apart. He opened a new email, delaying the message for 24 hours, to ensure that he wouldn't be found alive. He turned on some music and started pouring his heart into the last words Jensen will ever get from him. 

 

_Jensen,_

_I love you, that's the truth, any and everything else is fake. I know you said that we are over, and I'm not writing you to beg you to take me back. I'm writing you to say goodbye. Don't rush to my side, cause it will be too late, it was too late when you told me we were over. I have been trying for six months to move on, to love my wife and my son, but there is a you-sized hole in my life, in my heart, and in my mind. You took my heart, Jensen, how did you expect me to live without my heart? Without you here I feel like I'm not complete, you are my other half, I just wished you could see that. Please forgive me for not being strong, for giving up. Everything I do reminds me of you. I can't enjoy food, coffee, or even a goddamned shower without missing you, without needing you. I miss your sloppy grumpy kisses when you first wake up, I miss falling asleep in your arms. I would have flipped burgers for you, hell I would have shoveled shit for you. I haven't slept in months, Jensen. I hope you get out of life all that you have put in, I hope that your wife and daughter bring you great happiness, I hope you are successful, You'll do great things with or without me._

_I love you,_

_Love,_

_Jared._

Jared sat the laptop to the side and grabbed the full pill bottle, with trembling hands he popped off the lid, dumping the contents in his hand. He popped them in his mouth like candy swallowing them down with a large gulp of water. He repeated the process with the remaining pills, tossing the bottle on the floor.

He turned to what used to be Jensen's side of the bed, grabbing his pillow and holding it to his chest with his right arm, grabbing the framed photo of them from last years trip to Rome with his left. Tears streaming, sobs wracking his body, for once he was glad to be completely alone. As the pills kicked in his muscles got weaker, he couldn't open his eyes, his limbs felt like they were made of cement. As his vision faded, breathing became difficult, his lungs burned, but never once did he regret his choice. His last thoughts were of Jensen's hands comforting him, holding him close, kissing away his tears and pain. He felt complete again.

Jensen hadn't been able to sleep in months, and not just because of the new baby. He couldn't get used to sleeping with someone smaller than him, someone delicate, almost breakable. Not to mention how he felt trying to have sex with his wife. He felt like she would snap under him. He faked more orgasms with her than he did being an actor.

He laid in bed most nights wondering if he should call Jared, tell him how stupid he was. How he was scared, how he didn't want to live without him in his life. He shook the idea off, knowing that no matter how much he loved Jared, he wouldn't throw both of their careers away, he knew their families would hate them, and their wives would take them to the cleaners. They'd be lucky if they could get a job flipping burgers. 

He was sitting on the couch when his phone went off. He was too lazy to get up and get it. So he ignored it. When the reminder tone went off a few minutes later Danni rolled her eyes. 

“Babe, will you please shut your phone up before it wakes the baby.”

“Sure, sorry,” he whispered getting up off the sofa and walking to the table by the door where his phone was sitting.

He opened his phone to turn off the notifications. He saw the email from Jared and disappeared down the hall to read it in peace. Jensen was shaking all over by the time he finished reading the email. He frantically dialed Jared's number, the call going straight to voicemail. He grabs his keys and runs out the front door, still in his pajamas. He couldn't find it in his heart to give a fuck. He needed to get to Jared. He grabbed his phone calling Gen.

“Hello?” she answered confused as to why Jensen was calling her.

“Is Jared with you?” he asked trying to mask the fear and concern in his voice. Getting in his car and headed for the airport.

“No, he left yesterday, said he needed time to get back into Sam's head-space.”

"So, he's in Vancouver?" He was breaking traffic laws, but he didn't care, he needed to be back in Canada yesterday. 'Shit' he quickly opened the dash to ensure his passport was still inside. Sighing with relief when it was located. 

“As far as I know. Jensen, what's going on?”

“I don't know,” he sighed, “I'll call you when I do.”

He hung up the phone, he had made it to the airport in a record fifteen minutes. He parked his car and ran through the airport to the counter. 

"Good evening, how can I help you?" The young woman behind the counter asked with a fake smile plastered on her face. 

“I need a ticket to Vancouver, it's an emergency,” He said looking around the airport.

“There's a flight fixing to leave the gate, let me call them and delay them, Mr. Ackles.”

He dug his wallet out throwing his credit card and passport on the counter, “Thank you.”

She quickly worked him onto the flight, and he was on his way to Canada. Dread working his nerves, fear gripped his heart. He said a small prayer hoping that Jared didn't do what he insinuated in his email. He laid his head back fighting tears. Reminding himself that nothing was final until he knew, Jared could just have his phone off. That just because he didn't answer didn't mean he was... Jensen couldn't even think the word dead. He's heartbroken by the thought of never hearing Jared's voice, never feeling him under his touch. Never kissing those beautiful dimples. He choked back a sob, 'calm down' he told himself. 

Arriving in Vancouver, he quickly found a cab, offering the cab driver triple his fee if he could get him to his destination in ten minutes. The cab driver laughed saying he'd get him there in less than ten minutes. Seven minutes later they were pulling into the driveway of what used to be their shared home. He kept his promise paying the cab driver, he quickly made his way up the front porch steps and found the front door unlocked.

He took a deep breath pushing the door open, he stepped inside the place he called home. He shut the door looking around, things looked the same way they did when he walked out the door six months earlier.

“Jared!” He called from the kitchen.

He walked to the living room, no sight of his best friend, he shook his head. Taking the stairs up to the bedroom they once shared, the door was open, and Jared laid on the bed. At first sight, he appeared to be sleeping. 

“Jare?” Jensen's voice broke as he stepped closer to the bed.

He sat down beside the body of his former lover, laying his hand on the exposed neck, checking for a pulse. Jared's skin was unnaturally cold, blue tinted, and Jensen knew then that he was gone. His heart about stopped. He sobbed reaching for his phone, he didn't know what to do. He called for an ambulance, telling them there was no rush, Jared was dead.

He laid down beside Jared's body crying uncontrollably, running his hand through Jared's hair. He kissed his neck waiting for Jared to open his eyes, or moan the way he did when he was awoken by gentle kisses. He couldn't breathe his whole world lay dead in his arms. Nothing made sense to Jensen.

The paramedics arrived ten minutes later, followed by the coroner. They put his body on a stretcher, Jensen's legs gave out he hit the bedroom floor. He didn't care if he ever stood again.

He couldn't watch them carry the body away. He sobbed for hours before his phone rang bringing him back to the here and now. 

“Hello?” he sobbed.

"I just got off the phone with Gen, what the hell is going on? You disappear and I get a call saying my husbands best friend is dead," Danneel sounded pissed. 

“Danni I cant do this right now OK,” he hung up the phone.

He crawled over to the bed, to the place where his, lover, best friend, and soul mate had taken his last breath. He couldn't hold back any longer clutching the bedding his cried, apologizing to Jared over and over. Wishing he hadn't been so stupid. He'd gladly flip burgers if it would bring Jared back into his arms.

The next morning the news broke. It was headline worthy and Jensen couldn't escape his guilt.

_Supernatural star Jared Padalecki was found unresponsive last night at 11:30 P.M in his Vancouver home by co-star Jensen Ackles. At this time we are unaware of the cause of death. Padalecki leaves behind a wife and son. Fans around the globe are mourning the loss. The family has asked not to be disturbed in this time of grieving. We will keep you updated as we know more._

“I'm flying back with his body,” Jensen told a sobbing Sherri Padalecki.

“The funeral home gentleman will meet you there. Jensen, what happened? You have to know something you are his best friend.”

He couldn't tell her how he broke Jared's heart, shattered his will to live. How it was his fault that her son laid frozen awaiting his funeral. He had never hated himself more than he did at that moment. He knew that everyone needed closure, he knew the skeletons were fixing to come out of his closet, and so was he.

He paid for a private flight to Texas, not wanting to be hounded by the media, or grieving fans. He boarded the plane. On the flight, he kept going over the worse that would happen to him when he comes clean, but nothing could be worse than having to put half of his soul to rest. Nothing scared him anymore. He didn't care if he ever acted again, or if he went bankrupt. He tried to rest but every time he closed his eyes he could see Jared in their bed lifeless, and every time he closed his eyes his heart broke a little more until he felt like there was nothing left inside him. 

Arriving in Texas they quickly unloaded and loaded the body into the hearse. Jensen rode with Jared for the last time. Arriving at the funeral home an hour later. Jared's parents, siblings, wife, and child were there waiting on them. He held his head low and wouldn't make eye contact with them.

They made his arrangements having the funeral on Saturday, a full 96 hours since he took his life. The chapel was full of flowers, Jared in the center, resting comfortably in a white coffin. Genevieve stood on the left side holding Thomas, her eyes full of tears. On the right side stood, Jared's mother, father, brother and sister.

Jensen could feel his legs shake as he stepped into the chapel, it was the last time he'd lay eyes on Jared. His knees felt weak, as he got within five foot of the casket. Stopping for a breath he collected himself and closed the distance between them. 

He was beautiful laying there, for a moment he didn't look dead, the white suit looking perfect on him. The single red rose that lay on his chest the perfect contrast. He wanted to kiss him. To tell him he loved him, that he was sorry, to admit that Jared was right he had been a coward. To tell him he was done living a fake life, too little too late, to tell him he was ready to tell the world what he meant to him. He knew he couldn't, not with the clueless family around. He'd save his words.

He couldn't stand and look at everything he'd lost, he couldn't fight back the tears. He ran his hand across Jared's chest, resting his hand over the stopped heart. He turned and found him a seat in a pew close to the door.

Jensen couldn't concentrate on the funeral, the eulogy giving by Genevieve and his brother Jeff. All he could think about was the pain everyone was feeling, knowing that he caused it. Knowing how selfish he had been. Jensen couldn't take the guilt anymore, when Jeff had finished speaking he took to the podium, ready to bear his secrets, and send his soul to Hell where it belonged. He swallowed his pride.

"I'm sorry that you are all here today, I'm sorry to those of you who lost a son, a brother, and a father," he took a deep shaky breath, "what you don't know is I am the reason he lays in that coffin. I love him, I really do, I'm so sorry Jared, you were right." he shifted nervously ignoring the cold looks he was getting. "Jared and I have been together since 2006. I lived with him, we told y'all that I slept in the guest bedroom, well that was a lie. I slept with him in my arms, pulled tight to my chest."

“Liar!” Gen spat at him, “Jared loved me.”

"Sorry princess, but he was mine in every way, then after Thanksgiving last year, I ended it with him. I wasn't ready to come out, I didn't want us to lose what we had, I didn't want my baby girl taken from me, I might not be in love with her mom, but I love my baby girl. I was scared, and I ran from him. I don't blame you for hating me, I hate myself. My cowardice cost me everything. I'm truly sorry.” Jensen stepped from the stage to Jared's coffin.

He ran his hand over Jared's icy face leaning down kissing those cold lips one final time. He quickly turned and left the chapel. He sat down on the sidewalk. His secrets exposed. His heart heavy. His lungs ached from all the sobbing.

The media circus had a field day with Jensen's confession. It was the talk of the entertainment field.

_Death of_ _Supernatural star Jared Padalecki confirmed suicide by overdose. Earlier this week Padalecki was found unresponsive in his home in Canada. We have cause for the suicide from a reporter from inside the funeral home. Co-star Jensen Ackles admitted that he and Jared had been having an on-going affair that turned south just after Thanksgiving when Ackles ended the relationship._

_The future for Jensen in Hollywood is unknown at this time. We have been in contact with his wife, who was shocked to hear about the affair. She confirmed that she would be filing for divorce, seeking full custody of their daughter._

Three days after he was kicked out of his home, he boarded a plane to Rome, booking the same room he confessed his love for Jared in. He laid on the bed that they made love on for the first time. He had nothing left, Danneel made it clear that he couldn't be around JJ. His PR rep confirmed his career was shot to shit. He couldn't produce another tear over his wrecked life. He hadn't eaten or slept in two weeks.

He walked the back alleys of Rome, seeking comfort in a syringe. He found a dealer quicker than he thought. He bought enough Heroin to kill a man half his size, thanked the man and left. He walked back into his hotel room. He found a notepad jotting down a quick thought before sinking the syringe into his vein. He died with a picture of Jared and himself laying in the bed kissing held to his chest. 

_Confirmed, Jensen Ackles was found dead in a hotel in Rome. After the death of his long-term co-star and lover, he was facing a messy divorce. Police said a suicide note was found_

_“You died in the last place we made love, I died in the first. I hope to see you on the other side. I love you.”_

_Funeral arrangements will be announced later this week._

 


End file.
